Inner Turmoil and Habits

Last night didn’t turn out the way my family planned.  We had an auction for a local charity to attend.  We go every year and have loads of fun. My son, Gabe, had a birthday party at the local skating rink so he didn’t join us.  He was very excited to have fun with his friends.

Not long into the auction I got a call.  Gabe had fallen at the ice rink and probably needed stitches.  My husband and I ran out and took him to the ER.  Five stitches in his chin and a few scrapes on his forehead and back to the auction we went (per his request).  Fun?  No.  Getting stitches is not fun (although cool later on for a nine year old boy). Blessed?  Completely.

I returned home from the auction and was very uneasy. I knew why but I didn’t want to deal with it.

You see, the day before a 3 year old in our area died from a head trauma.  Her short life and death has affected so many people.  And honestly I don’t know how they will recover.  I don’t know how I would recover.  Only by the grace of God.

Even though I don’t know the families involved personally…I was still struggling.

My son hit his head on the cold hard ice and walked away a little banged up and sporting a few stitches.

Why do I still have my son?  Praise the Lord God Almighty that I do.  But why were we spared and they were not?

I didn’t want to deal with my feelings.  So I hid under old, unhealthy habits.  It was late when I got home and I should have gone to bed.  Instead I hit the fridge.  Ate my feelings.  I watched TV to ignore my feelings. Stuff them.

Finally, late into the night, I went for what I was really craving…Jesus.  The only one with answers. I paced and prayed.

Did He give me answers to the “Why?”  No. 

Did He give me comfort?  Yes.

Did He mind that I paced and raged at the injustices in the world?  No.  He took it. 

Did He listen as I asked Him to hurry up already and return because it seems our world is falling apart?  Yes.

All this after He had waited for me.  He waited as I turned to food and mind numbing television before I turned to Him.  He put up with my old habits and waited.  And He was there when I turned to what I was really craving.

My Savior.

Day by day.  Hour by hour.  Minute by minute.  He will help me to fill my needs, cravings and inner struggles with His grace and love instead of things that don’t satisfy.  Habits that hurt me instead of help me.  Together we will overcome.

He will come again.  Today?  Maybe.  Five hundred years from now?  Maybe.

But until then, He will always be there.  My faithful Savior.


1 thought on “Inner Turmoil and Habits

  1. Sometimes it seems as though life is a constant struggle. More for some than others. Those of us that believe in Jesus and turn to him each day seem to be able to get through things a bit easier, at least that has been my experience. This tragedy in Orange City has given us all something to struggle and contemplate. Something to try and help to never happen again. Just a reminder to all of us that when we are under a lot of stress with children that we need to call for help so we can have a few moments of quiet to calm ourselves. Carrie, you are one of God’s most special angels that has taken in children to love and nurture and I think you and hubby are doing a most wonderful job!!! Bless you all!

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